Her decision was surprising. The timing perhaps even crazier. Right before the start of the most exciting phase of the season. Rotterdam goalkeeper Iris Nikerk, only 25 years old, stopped field hockey suddenly last week. ‘Everyone may think this is very strange. But this is better for myself and the team.’
She is just at Rotterdam on Saturday afternoon. As if she didn’t make a very radical decision about her future a few days earlier. Except that Nikerk is no longer under the crossbar, but leaning against the fence watching her teammates lose to title contender Den Bosch (2-0). Afterwards, she walks onto the field for some hugs from teammates and the closing circle. There is applause for Nikerk’s successor Olivia van der Knaap, the teenager who made her starting debut.
“Ollie did a fantastic job,” Nikerk echoes admiringly. She stands in the hallway of the club where she has been playing since 2019. Behind her, her teammates walk into the locker room. For the first time, Nikerk doesn’t have to join them. Standing there not in her goalkeeper outfit, but in her normal clothes. And there’s a reason for that, of course.
‘I’m an open book about my decision,’ Nikerk says. ‘I’m happy to get questions about why I quit. I tied the knot last week. I had been struggling with myself for months. Noticed that field hockey demanded much more of me than I got in return. I ended up in a negative spiral, so I couldn’t have much. The field hockey wouldn’t let me go, I kept thinking about it.
Nikerk (third from right) with her teammates after the lost game against Den Bosch. Photo: Bart Scheulderman
In tears after a tiny question
‘I once started playing field hockey because I thought it was a fantastic sport. I still do. But I lost the joy. Field hockey took up far too much of my life. Not so much because of the hours at the club. Nor because of the results or goals against. That’s part of playing in the big league. But mostly because of the worries and thoughts surrounding it. Is the defensive corner right? Was my meal healthy enough? Did I sleep well enough to be at my best?’
Perfectionist questions that kept grinding in her head. ‘I became a less fine, fun and good Iris. Here at the team. But also to my boyfriend and at work. There I burst into tears last week, because of a tiny question from my manager. My bucket was full. Nothing more could be added. And that was due in large part to field hockey, as much as I regret it.’
‘I drove like crazy from work to training after that. In a hurry, as always, to be on time. I trudged through Rotterdam in frustration. Pushing through traffic, it was almost dangerous. The word burnout went through my head. I was burning out. Didn’t want and couldn’t make the combination between field hockey, work and home anymore. Soon it will be five years since my mother passed away. I wanted to make space for that in my head, too. But that space was barely there.’
I had become a frustrated girl I didn’t want to be at all. Whereas I always enjoyed my sport. Laughing putting everything aside and enjoying moments of success Iris Nikerk
That’s why she made that difficult choice. ‘I thought about it more than once. Do I still want to continue? How is field hockey still fun for me? It is nice and good that there is more attention for this mental side. What impact top field hockey has on your life, while you are also a human being and – in my case – work forty hours and have your own struggles. I read the stories of Justen Blok and Maria Verschoor. I recognized myself in their words. ‘About choosing for yourself. Defining your limits.’
After last season, she thought out loud about quitting. Even in the winter, right after she became national champion in the hall of fame. ‘That didn’t bring me the happiness I longed for either. I felt empty the day after. It should have been the most special day of my career, but I got little satisfaction out of it. Still, I kept going, perhaps against my better judgment. But now I felt like I had reached a limit. This was no longer tenable. I had become a frustrated girl. Whereas I always enjoyed my sport. Laughing, putting everything aside and enjoying moments of success, such as the European Championship title with the field hockey 5s. I will never forget how I sang the national anthem there.’
Less than two months ago: Nikerk celebrates the indoor championship with Rotterdam. Photo: Willem Vernes
The brave choice, at an unusual moment
Naturally, her team was shocked by Nikerk’s decision. ‘I also know that it is not normal to quit in the middle of the season. Everyone may find that strange. I also found it hard to tell. But the girls’ reactions were not too bad. They were especially very sweet to me. They immediately put me at ease. Even thought it was brave of me to do this.
For the first time in the conversation, Nikerk searches for words. She is moved by the warm memory of the moment, from last Thursday. ‘They had really seen that I was not at my best the last months. The way they dealt with my choice, that touched me. It was so relaxed, I don’t feel like I let them down.’
Since the high word is out, Nikerk feels relieved. ‘A burden fell off my shoulders. I no longer worry about all those peripheral issues that took away so much time and energy. I’m happy again and I haven’t been for a while. I don’t want to and can’t quite let go yet. We have a dinner party tonight. I was hoping I would still be welcome there. Fortunately, I was.’
‘I stand by my decision. Even if it is unusual. It is best for me and therefore for the team. May I say that I am very proud of the girls, the club and the staff? And actually also to myself.
Photo: Bart Scheulderman
by Hockey.nl
