Danique Visser (24 years old) was one of the greatest goalkeeper talents in the Netherlands a few years ago. As a potential she was allowed to smell the Orange. But she wasn’t happy in recent years. Last winter, Visser was the first goalkeeper to retire from Bloemendaal. That felt like a liberation. ‘I was no longer myself during the training sessions.’
‘I was in a trough for the past two years. Sometimes I had an upturn. But often I struggled. Was I doing what I liked? Did I want all this? Or did I mainly do what was logical? What did those around me expect?’
She takes a sip of her beer in the middle of her courageous story. It’s a Saturday evening, around half past seven. The first women’s team from Bloemendaal has just lost the cellar cracker to Rotterdam (3-0). Visser was there as a spectator. On the other side of the fence, in her own clothes.
She only arrived at ‘t Kopje just before the cellar cracker. Visser is also an assistant coach at Bloemendaal MO18-1 and her teenagers played in Amsterdam. That was the priority on this Saturday. Not with the team where she played in goal for seven years. ‘That’s strange sometimes. But it feels good. Very good indeed. Also because my successor was already ready. That’s why I dared to stop. I didn’t feel like I was letting the team down.’
Visser during one of her last matches at Bloemendaal, at home against Tilburg in November. Photo: Koen Suyk
‘I barely got off the couch’
Visser finds it difficult to pinpoint exactly when she ended up in a downward spiral. “About two years ago,” she says. ‘Then the total struggle with myself began. I had quit my studies. Wanted to go all out for hockey. That seemed like a good choice at the time. That season I trained with the Dutch national team as a potential player. A cool experience. But I noticed that my development then came to a standstill.’
She is extremely self-critical. Calls herself a perfectionist. ‘I became increasingly dissatisfied with how I was doing. I felt like I was letting balls pass that I would have grabbed ‘in the past’. And then I started worrying about that again, which made it even worse. It made me no longer happy on the field. Goalkeeping was no longer fun, but actually caused stress. Especially because we always play at the bottom. A mistake can be crucial. I became afraid of doing it wrong. I completely lost the fun.’
Goalkeeping completely absorbed Visser. ‘I didn’t do anything else anymore. Had almost no social life anymore. I live by myself. At home I sometimes barely got off the couch. Lived only from training, to competition, to another training. And even though I actually didn’t feel like it anymore. It was a pattern I had fallen into. That’s how it was supposed to be, so that’s how I did it. At the club I put on a cheerful face. But during the training I was no longer myself. Sometimes the game just passed me by.’
Visser in 2017, during her first season as a goalkeeper for the Bloemendaal ladies 1 team. Photo: Koen Suyk
Breaking habits
It went like this for months. Up and down. She sought and found mental help, but continued to struggle. ‘After every revival there was another setback. My grandfather passed away at the beginning of this year. That hit me so badly that I was in the pit again. When I reluctantly went to training for the umpteenth time, enough was enough. I talked to the staff and luckily there was understanding. It felt strange to take a step back during the season. But it was also nice to make the decision. No more pressure. The obligation. The eternal must.’
She swallows. ‘It’s very sad when something you enjoyed so much becomes so annoying. I’ve gone on too long. I lost myself, also because I didn’t dare to go against the flow. To break those habits. That’s quite difficult when everyone expects you to ‘just’ be there again. But hockey at this level is not ordinary. It not only requires time but also mental resilience. I managed to do that for years. Now it was over. I was up.’
‘You know what helped me? Those stories about girls who were also in trouble with themselves. Who sometimes didn’t know and had doubts. The story of Thirsa Kho , who suddenly stopped playing top hockey. Or from Sabine Plönissen , who spoke so coolly about her gloomy days. I am grateful to them. Because thanks to their openness, I didn’t feel alone. The club and the team have also supported me. They continued to believe in me, even at times when I had lost confidence in myself.’
‘Time for myself’
‘Since the high word has come out, I am happier. Feel chiller. I now keep for ladies 2, my sister’s team. If I miss a ball, that’s a shame. But then that fragment no longer comes back to my head a hundred times.’ Her eyes start to twinkle. ‘I feel more space. Have the freedom I’ve been looking for for two years. I’m going to study again, applied psychology. And I’m looking forward to that. It’s time for myself. For Danique, who I had lost for a while.’
Along the line with Rosalie Rosman, the current top scorer of Bloemendaal. Photo: Koen Suyk
by Hockey.nl
